I haven't blogged in a while..and for what reasons? I guess, recently, I've been in a bitter state of mind. I mean, not the kind of bitterness where I "hate the world" kinda thing. But more like to a point where I'm to impatient to listen, or to care. I don't really like to blog when Im angry because my blog will end up to be a vent or some kinda stupid blog, so I wait until I calm down. Still..
I cant wait to graduate.
My mood was definitely altered this past weekend. On friday we went grad dress shopping for the 'late ones'. We were hella hyper on the way to the shops, but once we finished shopping we were all pretty dead. Abbey, Amanda, and I went downtown to watch seventeen again. Abbey and I were sorta looking out for any quest members since they were there that day!! but we never found them. Seventeen again is soo GOOD!!, I wouldnt mind going to watch it again. But yeah that day was pretty chill.
All my
bitterness left as I was on the computer on Sunday. I checked out some of ryanimay's poetry again, and one poem took me out completely out of my mood.
A sleepwalk to the sink . A moment left to think . To say .
My only chance of wake-up drink to save me for today .
But it's no water less than words that I would need .
Thank you to the truth in the mirror . And what you say to me.
I've spent an hour face to face with you .
Finding ways to chase your moves . I hate with you .
You always know my secret . And why I keep it .
Killing clock to make myself a spectacle . Yet you can tell .
Hope is placed so they won't read your face . And ask you why or what .
Instead they seem to ask you how or who or where to get that stuff .
Apologize to me for understanding what you see .
Thank you to the truth in the mirror . And what you say to me.
Easily shattered . Easily dropped . Invincible you are not .
Disguised so mistakenly . I'd take you and break you .
Your weakness is evident . Vengeance divine is mine . Heaven sent .
If you dare stare at me silently . Cross my eyes out violently . You rise .
Attempting to break me with only your gaze . Such truth in your ways .
I shatter inside . Facade exposed . You and I know how long I've tried .
To hide away the pain from you . The draining of life inside . Slain .
Everytime I'm on my way to find you . I hope I'll see you . Retrieve you .
Deceive you .
And still you speak the t r u t h for me to believe you . I don't need to .
Hidden behind my mind I need you .
To show me who I am
today .
To show me that I'm
still the
same . That I haven't changed .
Yet I've slowly become a man who
hates the sight of me .
Forgive me for my insolence in future tense . I'll have no sense .
I will prevent you from fleeing intact . I swear you'll crack . I will .
Destroy you for the sake of me . Now break for me .
Shatter . Scatter . Enemy .
Adore the days you once
reflected me . Affected me .
When it was
you I'd see .
Rejecting me .
We're always meant to be . It's only
you I'll see .
But here l i e s broken glass in loving memory .
Thank you to the truth in the mirror . And what you say to me.
Everytime you die you're never
truly dead to
me .
.ryanimay
I was sitting in bitterness for stupid reasons, reasons that weren't even my problem. Reasons that I could have dealt with better than how I did. And realization and
contentment came with this sudden rush of emotion. Being Content with where I am as a person now, Being content with my plans ahead of me, realizing my contentment with the people I
choose to surround myself with. Not the same choice as picking my friends, but choice as to who I want to tell my secrets to, and the people I completely trust. ( I never doubted my group of friends, just trying to get the message across) MUUCH LOOVE, ryanimay. The wonders one poem can do amazes me, who would have known that I would be so captivated by poetry..
love forever,
zenia.
p.s was randomly looking at houses in cali, getting closer and closer to my dream!
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SO, quick update on my life before C block finishes, and D block starts...
TWO DAYS AGO, me and abbey had a deep conversation about who else;). SO PERFECTT!! whywhywhy? OH I also found out about a hypocrite, who wont stop being hypocritical, JEEZ MAAAN. But, I dont wanna be in a bad mood soo....
YESTERDAY, Cristina and Amanda "jumped on the
Cali bandwagon!!" meaning they're thinking of moving to Cali with us!!!. So excited cuz my dream to move is actually coming true. I can just see us, all living together in a Cali house, going to school at UCI/Berkley, and cruising down the california streets:) I've been so tired of school lately and some of the people who surround me, that I want to move now. But I know that I cant yet, since I know Im still too dependent on my family. I think thats the only thing thats stopping me from moving now, and the fact that im
b r o k e . Oh also last night, Ryanimay updated his blog:) WOWOW, all I can say. Everything he writes about, is written so poetically, its amazing.
Im so into english and because of him, well and Mrs. Nannery. My interest in the arts just "blossomed" again and it came back stronger than its passion before... Last year, I lost all my interest in the arts. But I've rediscovered it, and now, I wanna do everything...
Im also intensely interested in figuring myself out... figuring others out, figuring everything out...thats why I want to take psychology, I've discovered that I cant handle not understanding someone...I get frustrated (as twilight-esque as that sounds) But its true...thats why I take bio! I need to understand the mind of someone, I mean not to the point of what theyre thinking, but like understanding them..
Cluttered enough as this blog is, I'm gonna go back to why I wanna go to Cali. I need a new start. Of course Im gonna visit vancouver as much as possible, drive down as much as I can.. Im probably gonna be one of those people who force myself to forget about high school. All the stupid memories.. the people. I love my classmates, and I know I'm gonna do all I can to stay in touch with some of them, but I think I took high school to seriously, in the end I wanna forget about it. HAHA stupid ehh?
Oh and, I
need to dance again.. I
need a new outlet to expression. I
need need n e e d . . . I
WANT... Why did I stop?!
Ill finish later..as of now... I cant think, my minds to cluttered.
love forever,
zenia.
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